The Taboo Tab is a a community of writers and readers bravely putting faces and stories to subjects society seems to skip over.
This month, that subject is sexuality. Whew. Not exactly a small topic. And it’s a serious one, too–just look at what has been in the news this week.
This is a powerful group of stories that together show the complexity and diversity of a notoriously challenging area. There are stories about judgement, outlooks, and experiences. Slut. Prude. Abstinence. Rape. Conversation. Diversity.
Like yet another church abuse cover-up coming to light. (Thaaanks, Sovereign Grace Ministries. Ugh. Luke 8:17, anyone?)
Like the fact that just talking about rape brings up awful, confusing, violating memories for about a third of the women I know. The fact that “trigger warning” is no formality. The fact that, whether you’ve been told or not, You know a rape victim. You probably know a whole bunch of them.
Yes, there are things to be pissed off about. Raging, raging mad. And while some people are getting mad for the first time, feminists and rape survivors have been getting mad for years.
This marks a critical moment for feminism. People are with them on this one. People are listening to what they have to say about rape culture. We can’t hide from it anymore. Even to some of the larger skeptics, feminist ideas and stats and language don’t seem so crazy anymore.
Do feminists have a right to be mad? Yes.
Do they have a reason to be mad? Yes.
Should they shout it from the rooftops? If they’re willing, yes, perhaps they should.
But I have to be honest: Jaded rooftop shouters scare me, especially when I can’t quite understand what they’re shouting about.
I tend to tune them out. Even if they’re right.
“Rape culture” is a powerful term. No one wants to be an active participant in such a culture (even if many of us are). In fact, to the untrained ear, the words “you are a part of a rape culture” can sound suspiciously like “you are predisposed, as a member of this society, to rape and/or be okay with rape. Especially if you’re a dude.”
Anyone who sees themselves as not okay with rape might just leave at that point.
I know that’s not the kind of unproductive thinking that feminists are trying to promote. But I also know that it’s the message a lot of people are hearing, and naturally, what they are rejecting. And when they reject that, they reject a lot of other things. Really, really, important things.
Sometimes, fingers need to be pointed. I get that. I agree with that. But when the finger-pointing feels scattered, confusing , or overwhelming, the people on the other side sometimes respond with a resounding “Ungh, what did we do wrong this time?” followed by “I’m gonna go hang out over here with the people who don’t condemn my gender and my world and my jokes and my favourite tv show, thankyouverymuch.”
We are getting away from the main message entirely, aren’t we? The constructive message of trying to create a safe and equal environment for women. The effort to address the prevalence of rape and gender violence in our world. Feminists are trying to empower and protect future generations of women. Everyone should want to get on board with that.
This is a reasonable message. There are solid stories and data, being broadcast to mostly reasonable, if sometimes ignorant, people. So where’s the disconnect?
Most reasonable people want a couple things when presented with a new and somewhat radical worldview (yes, feminism, that’s you!):
1) They want to feel empowered to be part of the solution, not just part of the problem.
2) They want to be able to ask questions in English—yep, good ol’ patriarchal English. And they want to get an answer that does something, anything, other than just attack their question.
3) They want the freedom to play the devil’s advocate. Because that’s what people do when exploring a new idea.
There’s something dangerous about leading with anger (however justified), instead of stories. Or with accusations instead of ideas. Don’t get me wrong, passionate people willing to call out society’s bs are AWESOME. But they’re way more awesome when they come with a side order of compassion, a willingness to gently guide people to awareness.
And if you disagree with that, then you have probably never spoken to my father.
My father is honest, loving, stubborn and somewhat sheltered (I mean this in no negative way, dad, je t’aime). He’s sheltered in the way many of us are–or would be, if it weren’t for the internet or certain parts of our education. Sheltered in a way that ends with questions and comments which are sometimes well-meant but poorly phrased. I remember one such comment. It was a genuine idea, a devil’s advocate stance, but it included the words “asking for it.”
“Dad, ugh. When you question feminism, you can’t do it in English. You have to do it in feminist.”
“But I don’t speak feminist…”
“Then you should learn. Or you shouldn’t talk about these issues…unless you want to be eaten alive.”
But that’s not fair, he says. Screw feminism, then. “What did we men do this time?”; “I can’t say anything right!”.
Should he be saying things like “asking for it”? Absolutely not. And he doesn’t think I or any other woman would ever be “asking for it.” During that particular conversation, he wanted to talk about safety, and understand consent, and help prevent rape. He just couldn’t think of any other language to discuss complexities he saw. And when the word “Feminist” came into the conversation, he got really uptight. His mind jumped to the most radical version of that ideology. He got defensive.
When it comes to his actions and ideas and values, my dad is a feminist if I ever met one. Yet there I was, watching him walk away into the comforting arms of “can’t deal with these ‘feminists’ right now.”
You know what? Sometimes, I find myself walking into those arms, too. I just can’t be outraged about everything that feminism wants me to be outraged about. I can’t.
But I know for sure that I can be outraged about Steubenville, and everything that surrounds it. I know for a fact (just called home to confirm!) that my father is outraged, too. He wants to address this. A lot of us do.
Feminism is going to play a major role in the ensuing conversation, a conversation that a lot of people are on board with. And that’s good. Especially if we go about the conversation the right way–if we lead with stories, ideas, examples, courage, and real talk. After all, whether you identify as a feminist or not, there’s a problem here.
Consider this your official invitation to be part of the solution.