Editors note: This article is a guest post submitted as part of the Taboo Tab project. To learn more or to read more articles like this, please visit tabootab.com.
[trigger warning: rape]
I do not think of myself as a victim. Nor do I think of myself as a survivor. On the whole, I don’t think of ‘the incident’ (as I call it) as part of my identity. In a lot of ways it feels like it happened to someone else entirely, someone I don’t entirely like. Someone I resent having to carry around with me. I push her away; I try not to think of her, if I can. I hate her for the choices she made. And I feel sorry for her. Which makes me hate her more. I do not want her touching my life. I do not want people to mistake her for me.
Sometimes the words come easily to me. I can say them out loud, with no hesitation. But sometimes, in a twisted way, I feel like I haven’t really ‘earned’ them. Like I shouldn’t make such a big deal about it. Like I’m just looking for attention. Like I dreamed it. Like it could have been so much worse.
It’s not always the way you imagine it will be. It’s not the monster in your closet or the boogeyman you’re taught to fear. More often, it’s not. And it wasn’t for me.
It wasn’t in a dark alley. It was in a house, in the suburbs. There was no knife, no gun. No hand over my mouth. No whispered threat in my ear. I didn’t struggle. I didn’t scream.
I didn’t even say no.
I didn’t say no.
But I didn’t say yes.
And I still don’t know where that leaves me.
For years I didn’t say the word. One, because I didn’t think I deserved it. I’d heard such worse stories than mine. But also because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to write that word on the pages of my life. I didn’t want his name carved into my flesh.
For years I didn’t say it. But I am not broken, and this moment I lived through does not define me. This is a story. And it’s mine to tell. So, with a deep breath, here goes:
When I was 18, I was raped.
Forgive me. I’ve said it out loud before but I’ve never written it down. Suddenly it seems…solid. I guess it really did happen. I guess I can’t stop now.
It was someone I knew. Very well actually. And trusted. And looked up to. It was one of my high school teachers. My favourite high school teacher.
I was a year out of high school when it happened. We ran into each other on the street. Suddenly I was an adult where only a year and a half ago I had been a child. I had just recently lost my virginity (to someone else) and so, like any new initiate, thought I understood everything about men, with all the confidence of one who understands nothing at all.
He invited me to come over to his house. With all the bravado of youth, I accepted. We talked. We drank. We drank a lot. Too much.
I don’t remember much after that. What I do remember I have tried to forget. I can’t think of it for too long or I feel sick. I remember that he had sex with my body, but not with me. I don’t think I was in the room at the time.
I wasn’t angry at first. It can take me a long time to process things. For a few months, I thought that he was right. That I’d seduced him. After all, I’d gone to his house. I drank with him. I’d even flirted with him. What did I expect?
What did I expect?
At first I even bragged about it, like it was a conquest, like I was so irresistible. “You think that’s crazy? Well, one time I…”
But something was wrong. When I thought about that night it made my skin crawl. If I tried to sift through my hazy memories of what happened, I’d be struck by a wave of nausea.
My body remembered what I had forgotten and it knew, long before I could say the words, exactly what had happened to it.
Something had been stolen from me and I think it was this: it was my innocence. Now I don’t associate innocence with the body. I think you can have all the sex ever and still remain at heart an innocent person. This has nothing to do with outdated notions of female virtue. When I lost my virginity, I was still the same person afterwards.
But I wasn’t the same after this.
This was something that was never supposed to happen. This was someone I went to for advice for all my confusing adolescent problems. This was my mentor, my guide. For four years, I was a child in his care, under his protection. And maybe I did flirt. Maybe I did play with boundaries, the way all children do, seeing how close I could put my hand to the fire before it burned me. And maybe I was now an adult in the eyes of the law, but in my eyes he was still my teacher and I was still his student. Of the two of us, I was still the child. Of the two of us, one of us should have known better.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Our friendship should have lasted for decades but instead it lies abandoned in a shallow grave.
I want to hate him. And I want to forgive him. I can’t do either. As much as I’ve tried.
The thing is, he’s not a monster. I tried to make him into one. It didn’t work, and it certainly didn’t make me feel better. It would be so much easier if he were a monster and I were a victim. I would have reported it. I would have made him pay. If only he were a catastrophe that I could say I survived.
But he’s just a man. He was someone I loved. When I cut him, he bleeds. When I attack him, he weeps. I don’t know what to do with him.
Why didn’t I just say no? I still feel such guilt over that one word. Maybe if I’d said it, he would have stopped. Maybe we could have repaired the damage. Maybe things would be different. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Yeah, I don’t really know what to do with myself either.
Sometimes it’s not as simple as you want it to be. Consent is a thorny issue and although it seems cut and dry, it can get very muddled very easily. According to the law, I was raped. You cannot legally give consent to sexual activity while under the influence of drugs or alcohol (quoted from my Planned Parenthood handbook). The night it happened I was so drunk, the room was spinning. Even if I had said yes, it would not have counted. Also, as this person was my former teacher, a lawyer could have made the case that I was a ‘vulnerable’ person, easy to influence due to the prior relationship.
So I guess it’s clear. Right? But there have been plenty of times when I have had sex with other people, people I’ve wanted to have sex with, while drunk out of my skull. Were those rapes too? No. Not to me. Because I wanted those people, whether drunk or sober. So where is the line? Where does yes end and no begin? I don’t know. This is why I didn’t say the word rape for so long. What happened to me was a violation, of my trust above all things. I can associate the word rape with that. And yet, I still don’t associate it with me.
I didn’t say yes and I didn’t say no. I’m stuck somewhere in between.
Human relationships are complicated. This person betrayed me and hurt me in a way that no one else ever has. And yet I still miss him. I cut off all contact with him, but sometimes I dial his number into my phone. I never hit the call button, but sometimes I want to so badly. I want to call him and ask:
“Can you please take it back? Can you make it so it never happened? I need your advice. I need your wisdom. I need my friend. Can we please just take it back?”
What am I supposed to do? Hate or forgive? I can’t hate him. Because to hate him is to hate myself. And I can’t forgive him. Because to forgive him is to forgive myself. I can’t do either. I’m stuck somewhere in between.
We have both lost. In one selfish act a friendship died. He has lost me forever. Maybe that’s enough.
By the end of seven years, every cell in your body dies and is replaced. Therefore, every seven years, you have different body than you did seven years ago. By that token, in another year and a half, there will be no part of my body that he was ever touched. Maybe then, finally, I will be ready to forgive us both.
Maybe.
[Contributed by: Sarah Carr]
Shaunanagins 
Wow. What an incredibly honest and heartbreaking post. So emotional, yet intelligent and introspective without being melodramatic. My heart goes out to you and I commend you for your bravery in confronting this. I don’t know you–but I wish I could hug you and tell you you’ve done well!
A friend I made a few months ago was raped on a night I was with her. It wasn’t by someone she knew, but she was also very drunk and went back to his hotel room. Afterwards, we had a lot of discussions about what rape was, what consent was, whether she had been violated or it had just been another crazy night. I’ve just emailed this post to her, as she’s still describing the incident as, ‘You think that’s crazy? Well this one time…’
I hope she takes courage from your story to recognise when something isn’t right. I agree that the line isn’t always easy to identify. But there’s something almost sixth sense about when it’s wrong–you just know something was off. The legal issues, the alcohol, the nature of the relationship–all important, but mostly you sensed that this was wrong. And you doing something, if only just writing and acknowledging it, is good.
I wish you all the best. Please keep writing.
Emily
“Is it rape if I didn’t say no?” This is something I ask myself everyday. I hate myself for letting it happen. I felt for a very long time that it was my fault. Eight years later, I am still a very angry person.
…A similar situation happened to me eight years ago on memorial day weekend, I have tried to forget but never forgave…myself. How can I move on?
How did you move on..?
I can’t put into words how precisely you just summed up my feelings. I met a guy because I had convinced myself that I wanted to experiment. I didn’t. I really, really didn’t.
It doesn’t feel like the person that was there that night was me, but I can’t say the word.
You are so very brave, and admirably honest.
Thank you
Thank you so much for this. Nearly every word you wrote resonated deeply with me. You said things I’ve said to myself, wanted to say out loud, and have hoped other people understood. Thank you.
This is so important. And I really, really needed to read this at this moment. Please email me sometime if you ever have a moment. I would love to talk to you, and think you might be interested in my sexual violence research and awareness project. I sincerely hope to hear from you.
aimforenchanted@gmail.com
My ex took my virginity. I have never had alcohol in my life. I was just so shocked by the situation that I froze and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes. I cared about him and I trusted him and I didn’t expect him to go there. He never did anything else to hurt me except break up with me later. I think he would have stopped if I said no. Why couldn’t I just say no? Why did I have to freeze? I swear I will never freeze again.. I hope
same story . but i will never believe that man took my virginity. i had made it clear to the boy that i didn’t want to have sex with him “ no i don’t really wanna do anything right now” but he continued to pick me up off the floor and bend me over the bed . i froze , i was in complete shock . i trusted this boy but he violated me and that just left me frozen . i felt like i wasn’t even there anymore . but i did*** say no . i felt violated. soon i plan on having sex with someone i love very deeply and this will be my story . i will never be treated like a rag doll again . i decorate my own soul and i will let nobody chose it for me .
Thank you. I had an experience years ago with a man I lived with. And loved. I was so drunk that I climbed into bed and slept deeply. He used that opportunity to do something I had said no to in the past. I woke up shocked but for some reason I went along with it. And for years that has been in my memory banks just hanging out. Until I pondered it today. Yup that was so not OK. And such a violation of trust. So glad I read this because this pretty much sums up all my thoughts. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had a similar experience, I didn’t know what to call it, I just knew it felt so wrong on such a deeply person level, and you’ve managed to put into words how I felt. There’s a grey area with consent that never seems to get talked about, but it needs to be talked about.
Thank you SO much for posting this. Something every similar has just happened to me and I don’t know what to do or if I should even say anything. What would that do right? I feel so guilty and stupid and I hate myself more than anything for not being a stronger person and just saying no and getting in my car and leaving. He’s my ex and I felt like I knew better but all of the sudden he was trying to get inside me and I just kept saying his name and then I’d say “wait” I told him maybe I should go home but after him struggling he put me on my back and it was too late. It hurt so bad and I feel so distraught. Thank you for posting this at least I know I’m not alone. Where to go from here? I don’t even know. I don’t want to hate him but even when we were in a relationship he would violate me (touch me when I didn’t want to be, take my clothes off when I asked him to stop) and I never felt like I could tell him no. He two heads taller than me and he just intimidates me in some way I can’t explain. It drive me nuts and I feel so dumb I can’t really even tell the people I love.
This recently just happened to me today and I’m glad you posted this. I have no idea how to feel. He was my ex and even when we were dating the relationship was manipulative and I often felt violated by him (touching me when I didn’t want to be touched, taking off my clothes when I asked him not to) but today..nothing like this has ever happened.
I wanted to forgive him for a falling out we had so I accepted his invite to hang out at his place. Of course we ended up making out but he took me up stairs where it continued and the clothes came off and I got nervous I didn’t want to have sex and all of the suddend it felt like we were dating again and I was intimidated by him and felt like I couldn’t tell him no. I don’t know what it is about him but he makes me feel so helpless sometimes. He struggled a bit because I was on top of him and I tried to push myself off saying I should go home and he held me down on him and told me he wanted me to stay. More struggling and he put me on my back and it was too late I kept saying his name and telling him to wait and I kind of pulled my body away when he tried to put it in but that wasn’t enough. I just looked away, he was not gentle at all and it hurt so bad. And after he looked at me and I guess I looked terrified because he asked me what was wrong and I said it was nothing and tried to smile and laugh but I felt so empty and I didn’t even know what just happened to be honest. my wrists and hands hurt from him holding them while it happened.
I just hate myself for the whole thing and I feel like I can’t tell the people I love because I went over there willingly. I kissed him and I didn’t say no but I didn’t say yes either I told him to wait, moved away from him, tried to leave but it wasn’t enough. I feel so much self hatred right now and I’m glad I read this post, thank you for writing it. It was very honest and helped me process some of this. I just can’t bring myself to say the…”R word” I hate it.
This recently just happened to me today and I’m glad you posted this. I have no idea how to feel. He was my ex and even when we were dating the relationship was manipulative and I often felt violated by him (touching me when I didn’t want to be touched, taking off my clothes when I asked him not to) but today..nothing like this has ever happened.
I wanted to forgive him for a falling out we had so I accepted his invite to hang out at his place. Of course we ended up making out but he took me up stairs where it continued and the clothes came off and I got nervous I didn’t want to have sex and all of the suddend it felt like we were dating again and I was intimidated by him and felt like I couldn’t tell him no. I don’t know what it is about him but he makes me feel so helpless sometimes. He struggled a bit because I was on top of him and I tried to push myself off saying I should go home and he held me down on him and told me he wanted me to stay. More struggling and he put me on my back and it was too late I kept saying his name and telling him to wait and I kind of pulled my body away when he tried to put it in but that wasn’t enough. I just looked away, he was not gentle at all and it hurt so bad. And after he looked at me and I guess I looked terrified because he asked me what was wrong and I said it was nothing and tried to smile and laugh but I felt so empty and I didn’t even know what just happened to be honest. my wrists and hands hurt from him holding them while it happened.
I just hate myself for the whole thing and I feel like I can’t tell the people I love because I went over there willingly. I kissed him and I didn’t say no but I didn’t say yes either I told him to wait, moved away from him, tried to leave but it wasn’t enough. I feel so much self hatred right now and I’m glad I read this post, thank you for writing it. It was very honest and helped me process some of this. I just can’t bring myself to say the…”R word” I hate it.
You reached my soul. I feel exactly the way you do. It’s like you read my mind. For me, the worst part of it all is that the guy was my boyfriend, and I was a virgin. Just like you, I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes either. I’m stuck in between. No one will ever use the R word if the guy is your boyfriend. Yet I feel like it, and that should be enough, shouldn’t it? Then why am I so afraid of using that word? I’ve spent so much time trying to forget all about it that I’m not even sure of what I do remember about that day. I admire your courage for saying that word out loud. I hope someday I can be that brave. You really did give me hope, THANK YOU so much for that. I support you, always remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ❤
I wasn’t drunk when it happened but I’m in the same situation that you were in: I didn’t say yes but I didn’t say no. I feel so guilty and I blame myself for how it happened. I think the same thing: if I said no when it was happening then maybe I could ‘earn’ the title of being called a rape victim/saying I was raped. It’s still so hard for me to say it, it’s like it didn’t even happen but I know it did. Some days I forget it happened but then the memory comes back. I read that victims of coercive rape usually have a hard time overcoming the rape because he/she doesn’t define the act as rape. So I’m just here, stuck and lonely. I’ve told my friend but she doesn’t understand and nobody in my family knows either. When I forget the memory I feel like I can move on and that it never happened but then it comes back & I replay it over in my mind, it’s like I try to convince myself to say that I was raped (I’ve said it before but I still can’t embed it in my mind if that makes sense)
I don’t know what to do but your story eased me a little. I cried while reading it because exactly what you described is what I’ve been feeling but I’ve been having a hard time to express myself.
If anyone is a victim of coercive rape or abuse, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. I love you
You have no idea how much you just explained exactly what I’ve been feeling. The same thing happened to me. I wasn’t drunk and I was 19, a week after my birthday. This older guy who was 25 who I worked with wanted to take me out after he kept asking. I will regret telling him yes to a date for the rest of my life. We ended up back at his place after watching a movie and began kissing and even getting undressed but I never gave him permission to go into my body like he did. I’ve been mad at myself for 2 years now. Thinking why didn’t I open my mouth and say no instead of just saying it in my head? I’ve try to act like nothing happened but the reality of it always comes back. Was it my fault because I got undressed? Was it my fault because I didn’t say no? But I never said yes either.
I’m so grateful for this post.. and the stories in the comments.
I recently had sex wit this guy I only knew for two days. I felt I have a habit of letting men in too early and so before I met up wit him, I specifically said I did not want to have sex. And he claimed that it was ‘never his intention’.. So i went, I smoked weed with him, talked to him, laughed with him.. and this was all late at night. We were watching a movie and he started touching me. He started playing with my nipples.. and as I’m writing this, i feel disgusted because my nipples are normally a huge source of pleasure for me.. but they do not feel the same, I asked him to stop and he did.. but he went right back a few minutes later. I let myself enjoy the feeling. but i kept thinking “this is how far it will go” and soon that changed to ‘how did i not think this would lead to sex?’ I felt naiive. I let myself feel. Shortly after that he picked me up and started walking me to his room. I was half asleep while he kissed on my neck and told me he waned me to be more comfortable. I was still asking him to stop at this point, saying tha ti wanted him to relax. but he assured me there was nothing to worry about.
We got to his room and he pushed me onto the bed and I knew something was wrong. I said no even more, I tried to wiggle my way out. I’m only 5’4 and 115lbs.. so i couldnt really help myself. He told me that he just wanted to eat me out. and I somehow thought this was a good idea.
This is where I get ashamed… after he ate me out.. I was in the mood. i was in the moment. I had forgotten that I had been saying no. I literally whispered to him, ” I want you inside of me.” But I didnt.. why did i say that? Had I asked for it? It must be my fault. He did what I asked.. and the sex wasnt that bad but midway, I got up and reminded him that this was not what i truly wanted. and that he knew that. He tried to get me come back but I pulled away and started getting dressed.. He left the room and i started crying crocodile tears.. I hated myself. why did i ask him to be inside of me.. i didnt even know the energy i had just invited into my soul. in the moment, I knew i was laying next to him.. naked… after my sexual senses had been awakened.. I;m trying to fight the shame as i write this. because someone is going to argue that I literally asked for it. He wanted me to stay and watch a movie with im. He kept apologising and saying that it was a beautiful moment that just happened too soon. It didnt feel beautiful. It felt meaningless.. I dont know who that girl was that asked for it.. Did i ask for it? I think I had given up and wanted to give him what he wanted so I could just leave. So i said what he wanted to hear.. or am i just saying that because i dont want to face what happened.. bottom line is, it felt wrong. And he seemed like such a nice guy afterwards.. checking up on me in the morning.. and asking me to hang out with him again. I did. and I ended up having sex with him again. But I think that was just to regain some type of control over him. I made him go buy a condom. and had sex with again. I look back and I dont understand why I allowed myself to be intimate with someone i barely knew. The only thing I knew was that the chills he sent down my spine were not of passion. my body was tense and on edge. and the way he looked at me, was not a look of endearment. It was pure lust. In its most evil form. I even went to his graduation party.. At this point, i want nothing to do with him.. I still see him as a person. But I do not feel safe around him.
Thank you for your story. I needed this. You are not alone, I promise.
Is there something in between rape and consensual sex? I have a story like this too. I was high. The guy thought it was weed and a little alcohol, but someone else had slipped me something. He had no idea. I didn’t know until months later when the guy was caught and confessed to drugging a lot of us. He was so mad the friend who, I guess kind of, raped me saved me from him. The other guy would have raped me. After we got back to his house it is a blur. There was a girl I liked who liked him and was there. We were kissing, then I woke up in my friend’s bed. It really messed with him that I didn’t remember. It is almost like the guy who drugged me raped us both, but the only people I have talked to blame my friend. I don’t, but if I had been totally present I would have said no.
This article has helped me so much. It explained things in such an honest and deep way. It’s let me know that my experience wasn’t true consent at all and that many women (often still girls inside) and girls are not really consenting to sex. My experience in a nutshell:
1. Started dating an old crush from school when I was 22. I was very depressed (though I hid it well), isolated and miserable with life.
2. We became intimate very fast even though I told him I was waiting until marriage and was a virgin.
3. I never wanted to really have sex with him and was able to avoid it three times (when he was unable to penetrate me and he would stop).
4. Finally, one night he was able to penetrate me and I was too scared to tell him no. I didn’t want him to be upset or leave me (I had no friends and was estranged from my family). It was a horrible two minutes. No eye contact, I was frozen in place thinking how much I should not be doing what I was doing. I didn’t even want to do it.
4. I became very depressed after this and I have never been intimate with any one again. I dumped him and he cared very little since he had “popped my cherry”.
5. I find that church and religion make it very difficult. That’s when I feel bad. I know I’m healthier in some ways since it happened but I still feel less valuable than my friends who are virgins.
Anyhow, I am sure this article will help me heal and may be a tool I will give to other women who are struggling with the ramifications and pains that come with allowing someone to take sex from you when you are unhealthy and not fully in a frame of mind or body to truly consent.
As a religious person, I want to let you know that the emphasis of not having sex before marriage isn’t to say that having sex before marriage is inherently evil. Especially if it’s rape. I am a Catholic and so is my boyfriend, and I always wanted to wait until marriage but that never stopped him from doing things with me I never wanted. He has had sex me with me, always in my bed, and my room feels like a physical manifestation of my depression every time I walk inside.
You are not worth any less because of what you do or what has been done to you. You were absolutely right to break up with him. I’m so sorry that happened, although I understand more than anyone how that doesn’t mean anything. No one can take back what happened and restore my trust.
If religious people you know are demeaning you for what happened to you then they aren’t understanding human interactions properly. Or they don’t understand your situation fully. God is always there for you if you want, although again I know how useless that feels. I myself have drifted away and don’t pray or go to church. I still believe I just can’t find it in me to go. I know my actions will probably end me somewhere I shouldn’t go, but I’m consciously making this choice.
Do whatever you want to do. Make your own choices. If people don’t understand then don’t interact with them. Try and get help as well. If you can find the courage for therapy do it. I sure can’t. I don’t know if you’ve thought about it, I have, but don’t commit suicide. It’s very tempting, at least for me, but there’s gotta be something. Maybe try and move away to a new place or something. I don’t know.
Sorry I’m not much help. I really just wanted to tell you that you’re not worth any less than even the purest person who ever lived. Your worth stems from your existence, spiritual and physical, not your actions or what actions are taken against you. No one can ever take that from you even if they believe otherwise.
I haven’t slept in my bed since it happened, and I don’t really want to sleep there tonight. I met him on Sunday after chatting online, and we’d talked and I’d told him I was Demisexual. Rather than cutting off contact, he looked it up and said okay that’s cool. I was amazed, and cautiously agreed to meet him. The date went well, we talked about about the Demi thing, and he seemed to be okay with just being friends. So when he suggested we hang out at mine a few days later and watch a movie I agreed, despite the fact that I’ve never ever brought a guy home.
We watched a movie, and he put his arms around me. I was very tense, honestly I didn’t want even that much contact. But I didn’t say anything, not wanting to be too particular, and eventually I relaxed and ignored it. In hindsight there were warning signs, his hands wandered, but not enough for me to say something. Then he started looking at me, the way guys do when they want to kiss you. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t want to so I looked away and said something ridiculous to try and snap him out of it. It didn’t stop him though, so he kissed me. I didn’t kiss him back and said ‘it’s the demi thing,’ but it was super awkward. I couldn’t think of anything much to say and he went very very quiet. I felt terrible, because I liked him but I didn’t know if I wanted him that way yet.
I suggested we get dinner and so we did and we had the strangest conversation where he basically told me he thought I made the Demi thing up and I said that because I didn’t want to date someone just for sex. He didn’t get it at all. He said he was looking for a genuine connection, not just sex so that made it okay? I was trying to salvage his feelings, so I told him I did think he was attractive, which was kind of true, but just on an aesthetic level y’know? He cheered up immensely after that and things went back to normal.
But then he did it again. Looking intensely at me, sitting way too close, and he completely ignored my awkward looking after from his stare, and talking about trivial things, and when he kissed me, I didn’t kiss him back, but then I didn’t want him to be sad again so I returned his kiss. He said ‘should we go into your room?’ and something in me changed, I don’t know what. I didn’t want to do anything with him. But suddenly I stopped fighting it. I turned into a doormat. He started taking off my clothes straight away and I didn’t want to but I let him after first reluctantly putting my hands in the way and saying ‘I don’t know’ he enthusiastically undressed me and took his clothes off real fast and he pulled out condoms and kept asking ‘is this okay’ and I said ‘yeah’ but I didn’t mean yeah. It wasn’t very convincing, hence he kept asking, but ignoring my uncertain ‘yeahs.’ and he was saying ‘ I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to do’ and I would nod. After a bit I said I want to go to sleep, and he said ‘ can’t you help me out.’ ‘I said I was just really tired, and it was really obvious I didn’t want to but I felt bad, and he kept feeling me up even though I told him I wasn’t feeling it’ and then I just ended up doing what he wanted because he didn’t stop. In the morning he did the same thing, I didn’t want to, I literally just wanted him out of the house.
After he left I had a shower and I felt so unclean and dirty. I still feel numb and blank. I didn’t sleep in my bed last night. And I don’t want to tonight.
I came searching the Internet out of the blue because I suddenly realized something that had happened to me wasn’t ok. At least I think so, I still battle with that thought. I understand completely and everything you’ve said has summed up mine as well as many others thoughts that have gone through something similar. All I’ve ever known was sexual abuse and violence from a very young age; before I can remember really. But that’s all said and done. I have more recently encountered a problem that I’m not sure what to do about or think about it. My first boyfriend (I am still with him) took my virginity and we’ve had sex many times after that. But even more recently he had unprotected sex with me, something I had told him from day one I was not comfortable with for obvious reasons. The problem is when he went to proposed this idea, all I could say was I don’t know. And he started doing it anyway. I didn’t say yes but technically I also didn’t say no. He did it twice in one day and each time I felt immediately that it was wrong, but I told myself it was okay, because I loved him and he loved me hopefully. I went to his bathroom and cried and held myself because I had been in this spot of sexual abuse and feeling dirty so many times before and I never excepted for him to make me feel like that. He has pressured me into sex before such as touching me places and trying to get me to have sex with him even after I told him I didn’t want to. I’m not saying he’s sexually abusive probably because my other experience with it was so much worse. But an apple is an apple is an apple, no matter the color, size, or age. If that makes any sense. And seeing as that I am still with him I’m not sure what to do about it. Whether I should talk I him about it or what. Any ideas?
No one should ever pressure you into sex. I say that like a hypocrite because while I have never been sexually abused in my childhood I have always wanted to wait until marriage – but my boyfriend who knew this always would start touching me and kissing me without asking. He has had sex with me and at no time has he asked, but by that time I had also stopped telling him no for about a 1 year.
If you don’t want to have sex and your boyfriend can’t honor that, you need to probably break up. It hurts I know. I’ve only had two relationships and when I had to choose, I chose my current boyfriend and I regret it every day. He loves me to death, but his faults make him do these things to me when I don’t want them. I no longer feel like I love him and as soon as my lease for apartment ends I’m kicking him out. I’m then moving far far away as soon as I have the money. I can’t live like this anymore. As useful it is to have someone who will do what you ask, he makes no money and I work and live for both of us. It’s stressful and I see things written by me from years ago and I can tell there’s something horribly wrong with me now. I’m not the same person I was before. If something like this is happening to you, you need to get out. Now. The longer you wait the worse it will get. Unless you confront him and he actually changes… my bf has broken so many promises I stopped asking years ago. But if he’s not treating you right then you need to get away. It really never gets better…
Thank you so much for being open about this, Ive had a very similar experience. Im in my last year of high school right now, this happened during the end of summer just before my 17th birthday. My parents were out of town for over a week so during that time i had complete freedom, basically every night i went out and got drunk or high (which i normally didn’t do) The last night i had to myself i got together with some of my friends and we all got really stoned, probably the highest I’ve ever been considering i hadn’t really been sober all week. I was practically falling asleep on my friends couch so my other friend and i decided to leave. But my other friend, who’s house we were at said we should stay for a bit cause this really hot guy is coming over. So we stayed and and met him & he offered us a ride back to my place. all went well, I got his number but nothing happened. About a half hour later he texted me and wanted to hangout. I have bad social anxiety but my friend was pushing me to meet up with him so i downed a drink and smoked up again hoping to be more social.. he picked my friend and I up and wanted to go smoke more weed (he hadn’t smoked yet) So we all get together and smoke up. At this point within the past few hours i probably smoked about 2 grams of weed and had just downed a drink ( Not my finest moment). He then takes us back to his place to watch a movie.I was laying on the couch with him and he started feeling me up, at first it was kinda nice. I was flattered to have a hot guy be into me. He asked if i wanted to go somewhere more private and i said okay. I don’t know what i was expecting at this point. But we end up in his storage closet and he’s taking off my clothes next thing i know I’m face first up against a wall and he’s inside me. It was really painful and I wanted him to stop but i just froze. I stood there and said nothing, i just wanted him to be done and Part of me was embarrassed because my friend was in the next room. I remember staring at the wall feeling like i was outside of my body. When he finally finished he drove us back to my place. My friend asked me how it went and i said it was okay. I also told some of my other close friend that I hooked up with this hot guy.. I was basically the only virgin out of all my friends & id always hear them talk about how great sex was. I didn’t expect for my first time to be like that at all but i also didn’t want to be known as the virgin anymore, i guess i was going through my rebellious phase.. I still don’t know what to think of the situation, I don’t know if it was rape because I feel responsible for what happened I could have prevented it, i didn’t even said no.
I wanted to thank you for this post. It was real and explains all the jumble of “what happened”s in my mind. I also have a sense of detachment about my experiences. I didn’t say no. I actually said yes more than once. But I wasn’t in the right mind to consent. For a long time, I wondered if it was my fault. And even now, I suppose I could have said no. I should have said no. Where that leaves me, I don’t know. But thank you anyways.
All your comments have made me not as alone as I did , I’m a older woman who had been taken advantage by a friends son , I was drunk he was sober then he started to drink with me asking me if I wanted a line but never and all I remember is my mouth in his penis and then asking me to turn around I know I’ve blanked everything out . Now seeing a therapist because I just can’t to understand what has happened .
Can anyone help me? I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He has known I never wanted any sexual activity until we are married. Just my personal preference. But all throughout our relationship he would kiss me and touch me in places I did not want, and I would always tell him to stop. He always would stop, and he’s never been violent with me (a little forceful sometimes but never violent), but every time it happened it got further and further. This started not even a month into our relationship – we had been friends for about 6 months by then.
Last year he had sex with me. I say it like that because it’s not something I wanted. My body enjoyed it and it felt good (that time, almost all other times it’s actually hurt a lot), but I didn’t want it. I cried when I felt it. I feel betrayed by my body but I never told him to stop. I had stopped telling him no for probably a year by that point. My feelings of not wanting it never changed, but I am not a very courageous or brave person, and it took a lot out of me to stop it all those other times. I guess I was hoping he would control himself and not do things I didn’t want, but he never does. He always says he thought I wanted it or he just wanted me to feel good… I don’t know what to make of this.
Just last night he started kissing me and touching me as I lay on my bed and I froze up like I always do. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything. He tried to get me to look at him but I wouldn’t even do that. I just wanted to stay frozen in my spot buried in my pillow. He eventually did leave without doing anything besides touching me, but why can’t I say anything? Do I actually just really want it and want him to continue? I know he won’t hurt me if I ask him to stop. He’s never been the least bit violent towards me. I have been telling myself I just won’t say anything because I actually do just want it for a long time now. But last night I genuinely didn’t want it…at least I think I didn’t. And I still couldn’t say anything. I felt like I did in the beginning of our relationship when I just wanted him to stop touching me and leave me alone…
he always said before that he would never have sex with me, he would never go all the way. But I knew, I knew if I never stopped him this is where I would end up… and here I am and I have no idea what has happened or what is going on. Why can’t I say anything…?